Doubting & Hoping

I spend a lot of time hoping that things will get better. 

I hope that tomorrow I will be less tired,

And that my chocolate addiction will magically disappear ;)

I hope my brother-in-law will stay healthy,

And that he and my sister will have the family that they dream about.

I hope my doubts about religion and God will be resolved,
And my faith will remain with me.

I hope the pain of today will dissipate

For me and everyone around me.

I hope that we will love each other more fully

And that our differences will cease to limit our relationships.

I hope the contradictions I find when I gain knowledge

Will one day fit together like a precisely configured puzzle,

...That those segments I just cannot find a home for

Will be perfectly placed when I finally see them in full context.

Almost as often as I hope,

I doubt.

I calculate my disappointments

And heap them with the tragedies of the entire history of humanity.

My realist-self serves as a nagging reminder that there are no guarantees.

It's tempting disconnect and tempting to give up
When I know it's possible that change may never come.

Lately, I've spent a lot of time doubting;

And a lot of time feeling exhausted because of it.

So, I've decided to focus on hoping again.

To tally up the successes and the miracles

And the tiniest shuffles of progress.  

Peace and motivation have not come in hoping...

But rather in acknowledging

That I am a part of the world I want to see change.

It does me little more good to hope

Than it does to doubt,

If all either means is that I’m really just waiting

Change will happen so much faster

If I choose to be involved in the progress I ache for.

I don’t believe I can make that much of a difference

But any difference is better than none.

It feels so much better to be working toward a dream

Than it does to pass time waiting, doubting or even hoping for a question mark ending.

I spend a lot of time hoping,

And I spend a lot of time doubting;

But I feel most at peace

When I am actually doing.